Losing our minds - Royal Mail Episode Comedy sketch written by Mette Hyllested Mette Hyllested 71B Tottenham Lane N8 9BE London UK Phone: 07809404109 Email: mhyllested@zohocom
Brief synopsis of Losing our Minds sketch show Two middle-aged women, Mary and Lizzy, are barred from their local pup, but nevertheless they are determined to get in and will do anything to get served Each week they come up with new ways of tricking the bartender who always thinks he has got them figured out The style is Mr Bean-esque mixed with Absolutely Fabulous Other episodes includes: Police Officers: abuse of power, drinking on the job Teenage girls: gossip about friends (other women their age), fancy the bartender, smoke fags despite not smoking, fake ID s Workmen: burly guys, disco and karaoke night at the pub, start singing soppy songs Paramedics: will get mixed up in a real emergency
2 ROYAL MAIL EPISODE 1 EXT SUBURBAN STREET - DAY 1 A Royal Mail POSTMAN (40+) is casually walking up a suburban street in North London with a parcel labelled fragile He tosses it into the air whilst whistling, and as he catches it he gives it a good shake so the insides rattle (40) and LIZZY (40) are peeping out from the living room curtains in Mary s house Mary nods and points vigorously at the Postman indicating to Lizzy that this is their guy The Postman proceeds up the front path to the neighbouring house, extends his arms straight into the air, then drops the parcel with a crash on the doormat before pressing the doorbell Suddenly, at a tremendous pace he fills in the Sorry we missed you slip before he frantically shoves it through the letterbox, picks up the parcel and sprints down the path and away from the door A CONFUSED PERSON (70+) opens the door, looks out with the slip in hand and shrugs their shoulders despairingly before shutting the door again 2 EXT DIFFERENT SUBURBAN STREET - DAY (MOMENTS LATER) 2 The Postman sprints around a corner before walking (out of breath) to his small red van He slides open the side door and leans into the opening As he comes back out he s pulling a large, heavy mail bag Mary is suddenly sat on the bonnet of the car, legs over the side She pulls up her skirt revealing a red garter As the Postman falls for the trap and walks towards her Lizzy comes up from behind and pulls a large tube (parcel) from the mail bag and hits the Postman over the head once As nothing happens at first, Lizzy whacks him over the head repeatedly, and Mary launches herself at him with bubblewrap Tumultuously they manage to strip him of his uniform and wrap him up in bubblewrap and fragile tape before pushing him into the back of the small Royal Mail van 3 EXT LOCAL PUB - DAY 3 Mary is dressed as a male postman with a fake moustache and she is dragging a super heavy mail bag (Lizzy is inside the mail bag)
3 4 INT LOCAL PUB - DAY 4 Mary drags the bag over the threshold and into the pub Ouch! LIZZY The (40+) is polishing glasses and looks on suspiciously On the wall behind the bar there are two framed pictures of Mary and Lizzy each with the label BARRED taped below them Mary approaches the bar dragging the heavy bag and nods towards the pictures Ah those two nutters eh? (Rolls her eyes) The bartender scoffs, but is clearly satisfied that his suspicion is disproved Think they can fool me! The bartender spits into a glass and polishes vigorously Mary shudders at the sight - clearly grossed out What will it be then? Eh two pints of Guinnessand a straw The suspicion of the Bartender is reawakened but nevertheless he pulls the two pints, lifts them up on the bar and turns around to look for a straw puts one pint to her lips but is kicked by the bag, leaning agains the front of the bar, preventing her from drinking her beer Lizzy s arm shoots out from the bag and "finger motions" indicate she wants the other beer now! Mary passes the very full pint to Lizzy whilst keeping an anxious eye on the bent over Bartender who suddenly pops up with a pack of straws Lizzy s head is almost out of the bag and the pint is very close to her lips when Mary pulls the pint from Lizzy s hand and back up on the bar The Bartender gives Mary a straw and leaves the pack just below the bar on his side Anything else? (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 4 Perhaps some crisps? (slightly annoyed that there is more) Okay Which flavour? What flavours have you got? The Bartender sighs Then dives down behind the bar and begins to fling the different bags of crisps up as he recites what flavours there are Meanwhile Mary grabs a load of straws and passes them to Lizzy in the bag who begins to assemble them The straw "pipe" grows out of the bag and when it reaches the beer Mary shoves it into it I ve got: salted, salt and vinegar, cheddar, cheddar and pickle, pickle and cream, cream cheese and onion, onion and beef, beef and mustard, mustard and wasabi, wasabi and prawn, prawn cocktail, tail of a badger, Sunday roast, Your mums overnight knickers, dead soldiers in gravy and toad in the wrong hole The Bartender comes back up and Mary has to clasp the straw-pipe below the bar cutting Lizzy off before she has even managed to suck anything out of the straws To divert the Bartender s attention from this sudden motion Mary flutters her eyelashes at him forgetting she is wearing her postman disguise At first the Bartender is looking disgusted at the "proposition" He swiftly scans the room and returns with a flirtatious smile At the same time Lizzy s head pops out of the bag looking blue from the lack of oxygen She realises the obstruction and slaps Mary s hand Mary pulls away from the brief flirt to stroke her hand as well as kick the bag in retaliation The Bartender looks confused It s alright They re all insured (Nodding towards the mail bag) The Bartender reaches his hand across the bar to take Mary s (to continue the flirt) but Lizzy is pulling at Mary s trousers (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (3) 5 LIZZY (Aggravated whisper) I can t breathe! Those yoga classes are useless (Whisper) Shh! Child s pose! Mary forces Lizzy s head down in the bag and pulls the string tight at the opening (CON T) (Whisper to the bag) Namaste What s going on down there? (Her normal voice) Oh this (Changes to male voice) Ehm, I think someone has sent a kitten in the post It s a bit jumpy Mary kicks the bag again to prove a point The Bartender looks mortified Suddenly a LOCAL MAN (35) barges through the pub door LOCAL MAN Help! Somebody! The Postman has been attacked Realising that Mary is dressed as a postman he pleads to her and begins dragging her by her shirt arm LOCAL MAN(CON T) Come! Help your friend Mary again forgetting her disguise tries to resist the pushing and shoving (switches in and out of her normal voice from here on out) He s not my friend Stop pushing me! I can t help you Mary tries hard to get to her beer but the Local is too persistent and strong
6 5 EXT LOCAL PUB - DAY 5 The Postman is jumping up the street rolled up like a sausage in bubblewrap He can only mumble because his mouth is covered Mary is still trying to flee the scene but the Local has a firm grip on her shoulder The Postman is shouting unintelligibly through the bubblewrap at Mary LOCAL MAN What s he saying? (to the Postman) Ah Tony! You need new hearing aids Stop shouting at us you deaf bastard Mary nudges the Local in the side who is not amused (CON T) (to the Local) We always do this Now watch Mary pushes the Postman backwards He stumbles but regains his balance and launches himself at Mary who steps aside so the Postman falls into the Local, and they topple over Oh no Look what you ve done Tony We better give you your medication The Postman is on top of the Local and he has now managed to spit the bubblewrap out POSTMAN She! She did - Mary rolls the Postman off of the Local and covers his mouth with some flapping fragile tape before he blows her cover She helps him get to his feet in the process Up you come Tony I think you re hallucinating (hushed voice to the Local) He s diabetic (Mary rolls her eyes to indicate "you know what I mean") Such drama (to the Postman) I need your EpiPen (CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: (2) 7 The Postman is looking panicked and is shaking his head vigorously (cont d) He s cramping! Quick EpiPen! In the background Lizzy has arrived naked except for the mail bag which she is wearing like a dress - arms and legs sticking out She s balancing a load of parcels in one hand and holding a full pint of Guinness in the other hand She passes the pint to the Local as if nothing, then rips open a few parcels and hands Mary an EpiPen from one of the parcels Mary grabs the pen like she is a doctor from a TV drama and Lizzy is her surgical assistant (cont d) Stand back! She jabs the pen into the Postman s thigh who faints on the spot Wipe (cont d) Lizzy opens a pack of wet wipes from another parcel and wipes Mary s forehead immediately (cont d) My job here is done Mary brushes off her hands and pulls off her wig and moustache ready to leave when the Bartender comes out of the door of the pub He immediately recognises Mary and Lizzy (Bitter and angry) You two! Lizzy tears open another parcel It contains a large, pink dildo Swiftly Lizzy rips the pint out of the Local s hand and swaps it with the dildo instead The Bartender catches up to the group just as Lizzy and Mary leg it down the street Lizzy is trying to drink her pint whilst running away The Bartender grabs the dildo out of the Local s hand and slaps it into his palm a few times as if it was a bludgeon whilst scowling at the two woman running in the distance He s attention switches to the dildo realising what he is holding and with a slight smile decides that it s a good dildo so he walks back into the pub with it The Local is left alone on the street dumbfounded END OF EPISODE