Duke Medical Physics Dining Etiquette Workshop Presented by: Ashley Manzoor Joshua Wilson March 16, 2009
Contents GUIDING PRINCIPLES ON DINING ETIQUETTE... 3 BEFORE THE MEAL... 3 RSVP... 3 ATTIRE... 3 TURN OFF YOUR TECHNOLOGY... 3 ARRIVE ON TIME... 3 SEATING... 3 NAPKIN... 3 ORDERING... 4 TABLE SETTING... 4 DURING THE MEAL... 5 UTENSILS... 5 SERVING... 5 WHEN TO START EATING... 6 SEASONING... 6 CHEWING... 6 REACHING... 6 POSTURE & ELBOWS... 6 CONVERSATION... 6 REMOVING SOMETHING FROM YOUR MOUTH... 6 FINGER BOWLS & WARM TOWELS... 6 FOOD-BY-FOOD ETIQUETTE... 7 AFTER THE MEAL... 11 SETTLING THE BILL AND TIP... 11 SHAKE HANDS... 11 THANK YOU... 11 REFERENCES... 11 Goal: Audience: Situation: To provide hands-on, practical, business dining etiquette and not to just enumerate an exhaustive list of dining do's and don'ts. Medical Physics Graduate Students Formal-business to business-casual dining at a restaurant or elsewhere that you are not the host.
Guiding Principles on Dining Etiquette All of the rules of table manners are made to avoid ugliness. To let anyone see what you have in your mouth is repulsive, to make noise is to suggest an animal, to make a mess is disgusting. Emily Post 1. When you re uncertain with what you should do, let these be your guiding principles. I would add that following the host s lead is another important guiding principle. 2. Business meals have an added degree of sociability beyond those held in an office, but in addition to your conversational abilities and self-possession, your table manners are on display. 3. To be an active participant in discussion, you need to be practiced enough in dining etiquette so you are not preoccupied with minding your table manners. Before the Meal RSVP Do it shortly after receiving the invitation. Attire Clarify ahead of time what the expected level of attire is. Err on the conservative side: don t be under or over dressed, don t wear something too loud or revealing. Turn off your technology Turn of cell phones, pagers, and BlackBerries, and take Bluetooths out of your ear. If you are expecting a time-sensitive call or must be available (e.g., a babysitter), then let others know up front that you re expecting a call you might have to take. If you must take a call, then leave the table and go to the lobby. Arrive on time If you are late, simply apologize and don t regale guests with your reasons. Join the conversation and meal at whatever stage it s in. Seating If there are place cards, sit in that seat. Don t move elsewhere! The host has chosen that seat for you for a reason. If no place cards, then let the host guide you where to sit. If you re a junior member in the group, let the host and any guests of honor get seated, and then fill as seats are available. If you are given no direction, then sit where you like, but ask before joining people. Introduce yourself to everyone at the table, but it is not necessary to shake hands. Napkin The first thing you do when everyone is seated is to put the napkin on your lap! Unfold your napkin and place it across your lap, folded, with the fold toward you. Do this discreetly without flourish. Lightly blot your lips before taking a drink drinking. You do not want to food or lipstick prints on your glasses. Wipe your fingers as necessary and use a small area to blot your lips regularly. 3
When leaving the table, loosely fold it so that no soiled area is showing and place it to the left of the place setting. Ordering Drinks If you don t know if you should order alcohol, then don t (especially if you re the first to order). If others including your boss order a drink, then you can quietly change your order with the server. Food If you aren t ready to order, don t hold the waiter up. The best way to signal you are ready is to close your menu. Cost: order food priced at the cost-level that others are ordering. If you re the first to order, then either ask the host for a suggestion, since he or she picked the restaurant (and this will give you an idea of an appropriate price point) or order a medium-priced dish Specials might sound delicious, but they re usually one of the more expensive items. Don t ask the server for the price. Order something that you know what it is and that you like it. Order food that is relatively easy to eat. You ll regret being the only one at the table with lobster or crab claws. Special situations If you are a vegetarian or have an allergy, it is fine to clarify this with server early on and ask for a plate without meat or whatever you are allergic to. Table Setting In general Utensils, typically start from the outside and work your way in (forks on the left and spoons/knives on the right). More and more restaurants aren t setting out a cadre of utensils: you ll start off with the basics and they ll bring you anything else you need. Food is on the left (salad plate, bread plate) and drinks are on the right (water, wine glasses, coffee cup) Informal Setting 2 Forks: a salad fork that is smaller and a dinner fork that is bigger Napkin Dinner plate [salad plate] or nothing at all in the center of setting Knife: either a dinner knife or steak knife depending on the entrée Spoons: a soupspoon will be on the outside is very round, between the knife and soupspoon maybe a dessertspoon Glasses: wine (possibly more than one), water, juice, tea Salad plate Bread plate with butter knife [Dessert spoon & fork: maybe horizontal above the place setting] Coffee cup and saucer Formal Setting Service plate (i.e. charger) that is an under-plate to set the first course on. This will be taken away when the entrée is served. Bread plate with butter knife Salad fork: closest to the plate on the left (unless the salad is served first) Dinner fork: largest fork left of the salad fork, used to eat entrée and side dishes Fish fork: a small fork that is farthest to the left [Salad knife: between the dinner plate and the dinner knife] 4
Dinner knife: placed to the right of the setting Fish knife: to the right of the dinner knife Soupspoon Oyster fork: this is the only fork every on the right Glasses: water glass immediately above the knife, two wine glasses (the larger for the red), and possibly others. During the Meal Utensils Holding / Using (American Style) Fork and spoon rests on the middle finger with forefinger and thumb gripping the handle (do not hold them in a fist), with the tines up. When you are holding a utensil, you shouldn t be holding anything else (e.g., water, wine, bread) use 1 hand at a time (unless cutting). Cutting Hold knife in your dominant hand with the index finger pressed just below where the handle meets the blade. Hold the fork in the non-dominant hand, tines down. Press the base of the handle with the index finger, and spear the food to hold it steady. While cutting foods keep your elbows in and slightly above table-level. (American Style) Place the knife on the edge of the plate, switch the fork to the dominant hand, tines up, and eat. Resting When you take a drink or are talking to someone, put your utensils down. There are two acceptable methods: Place them on the center of the plate (not on the table) slightly angled so they form an inverted V (the direction of the tines, up or down, isn t important). The knife goes on the top edge of the plate on the side of your dominant hand, with the blade facing toward the center of the plate, and the fork lay nearby with tines up. Finished Place them side-by-side diagonally across the plate (handles in the 4 o clock position and the other end pointing at 10 o clock), and the knife blade faces inward. Serving Food will be served from the diner s left and removed from the right. If food is passed, then it is passed counter-clockwise to your Right! However, be practical. If someone immediately to your left asks for something, you can pass it directly to them instead of it going all the way around the table. If a platter is large, then set it down with each pass. Dished with handles should be passed with the handle pointed toward the recipient. The person closest takes the service plate/basket, offers it to the person on his left, helps himself, and passes to the person on his right. Always include the service plate in passing; don't, for example, lift the salad dressing bowl off the service plate and pass the bowl by itself. Foods should go from the service plate to your plate, never to your mouth. Gravy, salad dressings, and other sauces should be spooned directly onto the meat, salad, etc. Olives, nuts, radishes, celery, etc. are placed on the bread plate. Refusing a dish 5
Among friends it is alright to refuse a dish, but if a host is gone to a great deal of trouble, then take a little of each. However, if you re allergic or on a restricted diet, then it is acceptable to politely refuse. When to start eating Wait until everyone has their food and the host has started eating. If at least 3 people have been served and the host insists you start eating, then it is appropriate to do so. If other people are waiting on you, then encourage them to go ahead at start eating. At a buffet it is acceptable to start eating once you return to the table. Seasoning Taste the food before seasoning What if the server asks you before you have a chance to try your food? Salt & pepper Salt & pepper always go together, even if someone asks for just one of them. Should you pour the salt or pepper into your hand first? Ketchup & such Except for the most informal occasions don t count on these (or ask for them, because it will insult the chef/host). Chewing Take manageable bites and swallow between bites Do not smack, slurp, or collect food in a ball in one cheek. Do not talk or drink while chewing Reaching Something is only within reach when it is easily in arm s reach when leaning slightly forward. Don t lean past the person sitting next to you or over their plate. Posture & Elbows Sit up: don t slouch, hunch shoulders, or recline back. Between courses and when not eating, it is acceptable to put your elbows on the table. In deed, this body language may suggest your increased attentiveness. Conversation Talk in a reasonable volume and avoid garrulous laughter. Avoid topics that you are passionate about. The amount of small-talk and the amount of shop-talk will be dictated by time constraints, who the guests are, and the host s preferences. Let the host dictate the conversation, and if the host jumps right into shop-talk, then go with it, but expect that the beginning and ending of the meal will likely involve some small-talk. Be prepared to discuss some world events (make an effort to read national newspaper, watch morning headline news, etc.) Be sensitive to guests and spouses who aren t in your business and have an inclusive conversation. Removing something from your mouth The easiest and most appropriate is to raise a utensil to your mouth, use your lips to push it onto the utensil, and put it on the side of your plate. If you ve ended up with a large piece of fat or gristle, then excuse yourself and go to the restroom to remove it. Finger bowls & Warm towels Use it after eating a hands-on food or when dessert is served. Dip your finger tips into the water one hand at a time, and then dry them with your napkin If a warm towel is presented after the main course, use it to wipe your hands (and possibly your mouth). Do not wipe your whole face or neck! Either return the towel to the waiter immediately or set it on your plate. 6
Food-by-food etiquette Pitted fruits (apricots, cherries, plums) Eat with fingers, cover mouth, spit pit into hand, leave on your plate Artichokes Always eaten with the fingers. Pluck a leaf off of the outside, dip the meaty base in butter/sauce, place the base between your teeth, and pull forward. Leave the leaf on your plate. If you haven t dissected an artichoke heart before, it is best the part so get instructions from another diner. Asparagus Though often described as a finger food, in business err on the side of caution and use a fork (especially if it is limb or in has a sauce). Bacon Eat with fingers when dry, crisp, and served whole. Eat with knife and fork when broken into bits, served in thick slices (e.g., Canadian bacon), or limp. Beverages Water & ice Drink only when you have no food in your mouth Don t crush ice Beer and soda These should be served in a glass (only drink from bottle or can in very casual situations). Coffee and tea Don t leave your spoon in cup. Don t use ice from your water to cool the drink down. Don t dunk anything (e.g., donut, biscotti). Don t crook your pinky when drinking. Don t Turn your cup upside-down, simply tell the server you do not want any. If you are repeatedly asked, just let them pour it, and then don t drink it. If you have a tea bag, leave it on the saucer. If there is no saucer, then leave it on the dessert plate (or another nearby plate). Do not place the tea bag on the table; do not wind the string around the bag to squeeze it dry. Cocktails The only non-edible item left in the glass is the straw (i.e., swizzle sticks, umbrellas, etc. go on a plate or in a napkin). Feel free to eat the garnishes. Wine You don t have to be a wine connoisseur. If you don t know, then don t try to fake it. It is acceptable to ask the waiter/waitress for a suggestion of the sommelier. Bread Break the bread into moderate-sized pieces (one- to two-bites). Butter the bread one piece at a time, holding it against the plate and not in your hand. Hot biscuits and toast are meant to be buttered all over at once since they are warm and you want the butter to melt. If a loaf is served on a cutting board, then cut the bread into slices starting at one end and moving toward the center. Cut 3 or 4 slices and leave them on the board. Butter This will be served as either a stick on a butter dish with a butter knife; pats of butter on a butter plate with a small fork, or spoon whipped butter in a cup/bowl. 7
If there is no communal utensil, diners use their own clean knife or fork. Transfer enough butter to your bread plate to butter your bread, and then butter your bread piece-by-piece. Cheese If served as hors d oeuvres, cut or spread on cracker with knife. Use a separate knife for each cheese. If served with dessert, the slice is put on the plate with the dessert and eaten with the knife and fork. Cherry tomatoes Careful! Depending on size either spear with fork and cut in half, or eat the whole thing at once. If you eat the whole thing at once, close your lips tightly. Crab For a hard shell crab, start with the legs. Twist one off, suck the meat from the shell and repeat for the second leg. Put the legs at the front of your plate. Then use a fork to pick the meat from the under side of the shell Soft shell crabs are eaten shell and all. Desserts Custards and soft desserts are eaten with a spoon, and a fork is used for berries and garnishes. Cakes, pies, crepes, etc. that are served a la mode maybe eaten with a spoon, fork, or both. If a cake slice is served upright, then use a spoon and fork to turn it on its side. Fish Though fish are normally served as a fillet that can be eaten with a knife and fork, sometimes they are served whole and you have to do the filleting. If you don t know how to fillet a fish at the table, then check with the server before embarking on this one. If you have a fish bone in your mouth, dispel it like any other piece of food: discreetly onto your fork and then onto your plate. Fondue Since you will be sharing sauces with others, do not double-dip! With cheese, chocolate, and other sauces: spear a piece of bread, dip it in the pot, hold it still so that some cheese will drip off, and then use your dinner fork to slide the bread onto your plate. The fondue fork is rested on your plate between dips. For meat, spoon several pieces of raw meat onto your dinner plate. Spoon some small pools of sauces onto your plate. Spear the meat with the fondue fork and place it in the pot; when it is cooked, remove it, cut into smaller pieces, and eat. Garnishes These aren t just pretty things, you can eat them! Gravies and Sauces Avoid sopping up sauces in business situations unless the host does it. Break off a piece bread, using your fork spread some sauce in it, and eat it. Hors d Oeuvres If you are taking more than 2 or 3 at a time from a platter or as a tray is passed, then you need a plate, but if you are having 1 at a time, then a napkin suffices. Place skewers, toothpicks, shrimp tails, etc. in the provided receptacle, or hold them in your napkin until you find a trash can (don t leave them on a table). If there is a dip or sauce, spoon some onto your plate. Lemon When squeezing a lemon over a dish or into tea, use your hand as a shield since juices tend to spurt. Leave the lemon on your plate, the saucer, or in your drink. Lobster 8
A large napkin or bib will be provided for the lobster eater wear it! Hold the lobster steady with one hand, twist the claws off, and set them on the plate. Using a cracking tool, crack the claws (carefully so that they don t explode). Use a fork or lobster pick to get the meat out of the claw. Cut the tail into bite-sized pieces. Dip and meat in butter or sauce and enjoy. It is acceptable to get additional meat out of the legs. Meats Cut one bite of food at a time and eat it before cutting the next. Chops: pork, lamb, and veal are eaten with a knife and fork. If there is a paper skirt on the bone, then hold it with your hand and cut the meat away, but if there is no skirt, then just use knife and fork. Steak: if you use a sauce, pour a small pool on the plate and dip each forkful before eating. Mints, petits fours, etc When offered in paper cups, take the whole paper cup from the serving tray, and then set them on your plate before eating. Leave the paper on your own plate. Muffins Unlike bread, the muffin is cut in half and each half is buttered all at once (but still hold the bread on the plate and not in the air). Mussels Remove mussel from shell with fork, dip in sauce, and eat in one bite. A plate or bowl should be at the table for empty shells. Olive Oil When served with bread, either spoon some onto your bread plate or dip a bitesized piece in the communal bowl. Olives When part of an antipasti platter, eat with your fingers. When part of a salad, eat with your fork. Discreetly remove pit with your fingers, and leave it on your plate. Oysters & Clams Hold the shell with your fingers and use the oyster fork to get the oyster or clam out of the shell and to your mouth (don t slurp it out of the shell!). Pastas Spaghetti & long noodles Place your fork vertically into the pasta, twirl till you have a decent clump of pasta, and neatly bite off dangling strands so that they fall back onto the fork. If you are adapt at two-handed twirling using a fork and spoon, then that is acceptable. If you would like to cut the pasta into smaller pieces, that is fine, but do not cut the whole plate at once. Cut small portions at a time. Lasagna & layered pastas Make sure to cut portions with a sharp knife, others you ll end up with a string of cheese. Penne & tubular pasta Smaller pasta can be eaten with a fork, but larger pieces should be cut with a knife. Ravioli Small ravioli can be eaten in one bite, but larger pieces should be cut with the fork. Pastries 9
Use a dessert spoon and fork for cream puffs and eclairs. Peas Use knife to push peas onto your fork, or spear the peas with your fork. Do no mash them into your plate. Poultry Do not pick-up a bone and eat off of it unless the host does, unless it is evidently a finger food like appetizers (e.g. wings, spare ribs). Salad If pieces are large, use your knife to cut them, but don t cut the whole plate at one time: do it in portions. Leave the knife on the plate when finished, and if the server asks you keep your knife or tries to place it back on the table, politely asks for a clean knife instead. Sandwiches Open-faced are eaten with a knife and fork Great than 1-inch thick (2.5 cm) should be cut in half before being picked up in the fingers of both hands. However, any sized sandwich can be eaten with a knife and fork. Wraps are usually eaten with the hands, but if some filling falls to the plate, then eat it with a fork. Shish Kebab Only eat these from the skewer if they are hors d oeuvres. For the main course, lift the kebab skewer and use the fork to slide the chunks onto your plate. Shrimp If served as hors d oeuvres, then eat with fingers. If these are the main course, then eat with knife and fork. Shrimp Cocktail Use shellfish or oyster fork (a small fork). If no fork, then use fingers and pick-up by tail. If it is small enough to eat in one bite, then do. If it is larger, cut it on the plate it s served. If the sauce is yours alone, it is OK to double dip, but if it is communal, then no double dipping. Soups How to eat Dip the spoon into the soup and get a spoonful by moving the spoon away from you. Rub the spoon against the bowl s edge to remove any drip. Sip the soup from the spoon; don t slurp. It as acceptable to tip the bowl (away from you) to get the last drop or two. French onion Crackers / croutons Oyster crackers and croutons should be placed on the under plate and added them a few at a time. Large crackers should stay out of the soup (don t crumble them!). Garnishes When you re done If the soup was in a cup on a saucer, then place your spoon on the saucer. If the soup was served in a shallow bowl, leave the spoon in the bowl with the handle at 4 o clock. 10
After the Meal Settling the bill and tip The person does the inviting should pay. If the meal is to be Dutch, it s best to have an understanding how it will be handled ahead of time, and the easiest is for everyone to split the check evenly. If there are going to be separate checks, ask for the courtesy before ordering. Tips should be divided equally. Waiter/Waitress: 15% 20% of total bill, before tax Sommelier: 15% 20% cost of bottle or $3 $5 Bartender: 15% 20% of bar tab, minimum of $0.50 Coatroom attendant: $2 first coat, $1 each additional Parking Valet: $2 Bar bill should be divided among the drinkers only. Shake hands As people are leaving, shake hands with a warm smile and thank your dining companions. If you have made new contacts this is the opportunity to exchange business cards. Thank you The next day you should send a hand-written thank you note to the host. References Post, Peggy. Emily Post's: The etiquette advantage in business: personal skills for professional success. New York: HarperCollins, 2005. Post, Peggy. Emily Post's Etiquette, 17th Edition. New York: HarperCollins, 2004. Virginia Tech Career Services. Dining Etiquette Q&A. Nov 15, 2005. http://www.career.vt.edu/diningetiquette/qanda.htm. 11