The Journey for Crack in Burma Alright, baby, I said to my girlfriend. We're going on an adventure. Burma Superstar is a Burmese restaurant in San Francisco and was established in 1992. It s been featured in SFGATE, in the San Francisco Chronicle, in Tastemade, and in the VICE guide to where to eat in San Francisco. I first heard of Burma Superstar through my mom. She loves watching F*ck, That s Delicious, a television show on VICELAND starring rapper Action Bronson. For those of you who don t know who Bronson is, imagine Food Network Star Mario Batali but on steroids and you ll be on the right track. In the episode Bay Area Romp, Bronson describes eating the spicy and crispy chicken at Burma Superstar as having crack sprinkled on your gums. In the web series Hot Ones on YouTube, Bronson said about eating spicy food, Some would call me a Mexican. Well, I m a Mexican, and I love eating spicy food.
Hearing Bronson s description of the spicy and crispy chicken is all it took to get me to want to take the 56-mile journey from my house in San Jose to 309 Clement St., San Francisco. My girlfriend and I don t drive, so our journey consisted of us taking an Uber from my house to San Jose Diridon Station. From there, we took Caltrain to its final stop opposite Gilroy, 700 4th St. San Francisco. We then took another Uber to Burma. The trip in total took us three hours. The second Uber was a mistake because it was an uberpool. Shame on us for being broke college students and having to save money. On the way to Burma, we stopped at a bar in Chinatown where we picked up two drunk nurses. Really? I thought, It s barely 2 o clock in the afternoon. One of the nurses was a tall and muscular, blond haired, blue eyed, white guy. The other was a short and fat, brown haired, white girl. The guy sat in front next to our driver while the girl, after my girlfriend sooched to the middle seat, which isn t really a seat, almost sat on top of her. Hi, where you guys from? the girl asked as the fumes from her breath filled the car. Her breath was so bad I thought we were going to get drunk just from talking to her. North Hollywood. Oh, I ve been to Hollywood We re nurses at Stanford, the girl replied in a smug voice before turning to the guy in front and yelling, I can t find my phone! Where s my phone!? I don t know where your phone is. Maybe you left it at the bar. You better not be messing with me! I need my phone! she shouted. Then, she turned to my girlfriend and, while giggling, asked, Isn t he cute?
When we got to Burma, it was packed. There was literally a line out the door. Unfortunately, Burma doesn t take reservations, so we had to put our names on the list and wait. The host told us our wait time would be 90 minutes. If I had been drinking water when he told us that, I would have sprayed it at him. I thought, Well, as long as I get that crack, we re good. 35 minutes later, I heard a woman with the same name as me as me say to the host, Excuse me, sir. You told me my wait time would be 90 minutes. It s been 35 minutes. The lady had on lime green pants, a white cardigan sweater, and a shirt that matched her pants. She was older and had curly grey hair. She wore clear white glasses and red lipstick. What the fuck is your hurry, lady? I thought. You have to wait like everyone else. Not too long afterwards, an Asian businessman who put his and his girlfriend s name on the list not too long after I put my and my girlfriend s name on it asked the host if he knew whether they d be called soon. Before the host could answer, the woman with
the same name as me exclaimed, Oh, I was here before you. If anyone is going to be called soon, it s going to be me. Actually, if anyone is going to be called soon, it s going to be us, I said to my girlfriend. Fuck that bitch! the Asian guy yelled, and, as he yelled that, a bald guy wearing glasses who was with his wife and kids stared at his girlfriend s ass. Daniel, the host called. I grabbed my girlfriend s hand and, as we walked in, the woman with the same name as me said, Oh, that s us! Burma was just as packed inside as it was outside. The tables were almost on top of each other. The people sitting down were elbow to elbow; they were in each other s conversations and in each other s food. But it was warm inside Burma, and it smelled really, really good. I could smell garlic and onion frying and the spicy fragrance of curry powder and chili as well as the aroma of green tea leaves. To my surprise, we were seated at the same table where Action was seated, which is huge round table. But, because it s so huge, we had to share the table with others. Burma Superstar is known for their tea leaf salad, which is made with fermented tea leaves, romaine lettuce, diced tomatoes, sliced jalapeños, fried yellow beans, dried shrimp, fried garlic, and sesame seeds. When you order it, your waiter brings it to your table and explains the ingredients. They then mix it and serve it to you.
We didn t order that. I m a vegetarian, and, although they could have substituted the dried shrimp for something else, I don t order food that s made with substitutions. Plus, I was on a mission; I wanted to get that crack. We ordered fiery vegetables with tofu, Shan noodles, Burmese style fried rice, and two pots of hot green tea. The fiery vegetables with tofu are made with thick stir fried string beans, crisp red bell peppers, marinated tofu, spicy Thai basil, and lots and lots of chili peppers. The vegetables are then topped with sliced green onions. The Shan noodles are made with flat rice noodles. The noodles are cooked in a spicy tomato sauce with tangy pickled radish. They are then mixed with crunchy peanuts and fried tofu. Finally, they are topped with fresh cilantro The Burmese style fried rice is made of brown rice, fried yellow beans, and salty fried onions.
The pots of green tea were made with Genmaicha, a mixture of green tea leaves and toasted brown rice. To my dismay, the vegetables weren t that spicy. I wanted to feel what Bronson said he felt, like I had crack sprinkled on my gums. But, as we were eating the vegetables, I thought, Well, he was eating chicken, and we re eating tofu. Maybe you just don t get crack when you re eating tofu. Honestly, I was disappointed with the noodles too, only because they re served on the colder side. I understand how, in theory, the noodles being colder would complement the pickled radish and crunchy peanuts. The tanginess of the radish and the crunchiness of the peanuts would decrease if they were cooked with the noodles. However, the fried tofu also was also served cold, and cold fried tofu just doesn t work, ever. That always needs to be hot. The rice was, without question, the best thing we ate. Because the rice was not only brown rice but also short grain brown rice, it was starchier, which made it chewier, and there s nothing better than chewy rice. The only thing that is better than chewy rice is chewy rice with fried yellow beans and salty fried onions. The yellow beans were sprouted, which gave them a nutty flavor, and the onions, which were fried, were crispy. The chewy, nutty, crispy texture of the rice was unbeatable. Note that my girlfriend was not a fan of the rice. To her, the salty fried onions were too salty. I will admit I gave her more of them than I thought I did, so I feel bad about that. But, when something is too salty even to someone who loves salt (my girlfriend), then something is wrong. I was disappointed with our meal at Burma. We spent three long hours getting there. Plus, after we finished, we knew we had to spend the same amount of time getting back. I thought about how, even if one of us did drive, the experience would have been the same. Traffic in the Bay Area is a nightmare, and parking isn t any better. The lines are long, and imagine waiting in a line full of arrogant snobs all willing to step over each other for a salad. That s not something you want to do, especially with kids.
I d describe our journey as a Western. With most Westerns, the most memorable part is the journey, not the shootout at the end. Our journey to Burma is something we ll never forget. I ll admit I went there just to eat something spicy, but, now that I m home, even if I had got it, I still don t think it would have been worth it.